If you share your home with cats, you probably know that there are certain sacrifices you make in the name of love. Your black clothes are no longer black. Your sofa belongs to someone else. Privacy is a distant memory. And then there are the biscuits.
If you’re wondering where cats choose to make these imaginary baked goods, the answer is usually: directly on your chest. Without fail. The moment you sit down with a cup of tea, lie in bed, or attempt to watch television, a cat appears, circles three times, settles down, and begins kneading your upper torso as though they’re preparing dough for the local boulangerie (bakery).
Now, some cats are considerate bakers. They leave their claws politely retracted and perform a gentle massage that almost makes you forget they’re standing on your lungs. Others? Not so much.
I have one cat who treats biscuit-making as an extreme sport. Another seems convinced that claws are an essential baking tool. And then there’s the oddball who occasionally decides that my armpit is the ideal place to knead. For anyone wondering, having tiny needle-sharp claws repeatedly inserted into your armpit is not a spa treatment I’d recommend.
Over the years, through a combination of trial, error, and yelping, I have discovered an important truth. A padded bra is not merely lingerie. It is protective equipment.
What Are Cat Biscuits Anyway?
For anyone unfamiliar with the term, “making biscuits” refers to the rhythmic kneading motion cats perform with their front paws. They push one paw, then the other, over and over again, looking remarkably like they’re kneading bread dough. Hence the biscuit-making nickname.
The behaviour starts when kittens are nursing. They knead around their mother’s belly to help stimulate milk flow. It’s one of the earliest comforting behaviours they learn. The funny thing is that many cats never completely, if ever, grow out of it.
Adult cats often knead when they’re feeling happy, relaxed, safe, and loved. In other words, when your cat is making biscuits on you, it’s usually a compliment. A painful compliment, perhaps. But still a compliment. Think of it as your cat saying, “I trust you completely”, while simultaneously puncturing your skin.
Why Do Some Cats Use Their Claws?
This is the great mystery. Some cats can knead for twenty minutes without so much as a scratch. Their paws are soft little marshmallows floating across your chest. Others knead like they’re trying to excavate buried treasure.
Part of it seems to come down to personality. Some cats simply get very enthusiastic. Others may not realise their claws are extended. A few become so relaxed and content that they stop paying attention altogether. It’s rather like a human absent-mindedly tapping their fingers. The result is that one cat can leave you feeling soothed and cherished, while another leaves you checking for blood.
Can You Train a Cat Not to Use Their Claws?
To a degree, yes. The good news is that most cats aren’t intentionally trying to hurt you. They’re usually so caught up in their blissful biscuit-making session that they don’t notice you’re wincing. One approach is to gently interrupt the kneading whenever claws appear. If your cat starts getting a little too enthusiastic, calmly move them or place a soft blanket between you and the paws. Another option is positive reinforcement. If your cat is kneading gently with claws retracted, offer praise, affection, or treats. Many cats gradually learn that soft paws get more cuddle time.
You can also keep a favourite fleece blanket nearby. Many cats adore kneading soft fabrics and may choose the blanket instead of your delicate human skin. Notice I said “may.” Cats are still cats. They reserve the right to ignore all your plans.
The Protective Clothing Solution
Which brings me to my greatest discovery. The padded bra. I didn’t buy one for cat-related reasons, but it turns out they have an unexpected secondary function. Claw defence. I discovered the other night that the extra layer of padding creates a surprisingly effective barrier between enthusiastic paws and sensitive skin.
It’s not perfect. But it is pretty darned closs and definitely reduces the number of moments where you suddenly make a noise that startles both you and the cat.
An Apology to the Men
At this point, I should probably apologise to any men reading this. You may be feeling somewhat excluded by an article focused on padded bras. Fear not. Your suffering has not been forgotten. After all, cats are equal-opportunity biscuit makers. A determined feline can knead anyone’s chest, stomach, shoulder, leg, or any other available body part.
Perhaps the male equivalent is a padded vest. Or a thick sweatshirt. Maybe a fluffy fleece. Possibly even a strategically folded blanket kept permanently on your lap. Honestly, whatever works (because that biscuit making is just so darned cute!). After all the goal is simple. Maximum cuddles, minimum puncture wounds. This is a challenge that unites cat owners everywhere, regardless of gender.
The Things We Do for Love
The funny thing is that despite the occasional pain, I never really want my cats to stop making biscuits. It’s one of those wonderfully strange cat behaviours that reminds you how much they trust you. When a cat climbs onto your lap, settles against you, starts purring, and begins kneading, they’re showing contentment in one of the purest ways they know. Even if they’re accidentally using your ribcage as a practice loaf.
So yes, I tap extended claws or redirect paws. I keep blankets within easy reach. And yes, I have nice lingerie, which is worn out and about. But when I get home, to my cats, I actually change in anticipation of cuddles. (I am so proud to be a cat lady.) Because after all, when you live with tiny furry bakers, sometimes comfort and protective equipment go hand in hand.
More Musings?
If you enjoy my musings, you can read more in my Animals Antics. Or specifically About Cats. Or musings Simply on Life. Of Life in France. Turns out I muse on quite a lot of things.
And if you prefer to shop over reading (even though you did get this far), well, I have you covered. Check out My Shop. Simply click on an image to see more. And yes, there is even an Animal Antics section in my shop.
