Making Friends in France

I’m involved in a number of Facebook groups of ex-pats living in France or wishing to move here. Discussions vary about the vagaries of this country, but time and time again the question about making friends in France comes up. And this always boils down to – why is it so hard?

I should quantify here, these are French friends people are seeking. For some reason people are not completely content with expat friends. They want, even feel they need, to make French friends. And yet, they struggle to do so, even if they speak fluent French or have lived here awhile. So what is going on?

A Little Context

Depending on where you come from, will depend on how important you feel this topic is to you. Or at least how high up the priority ladder it goes. Certain cultures, like say Americans, are more open in nature, whilst others are more reserved – thinking UK. Also, whether you move here alone or with a partner. With a partner slows down that needing to look for outside friendships.

I’ve lived most of my life as an ex-pat. Or, in other words, someone who lives in a country different from their birth. I left my birth country when I was 1, and although I returned there a few times, it never felt like ‘home’ to me. But as I moved around more and more through life, I discovered that no country feels like home. Rather I have had to choose to make where I live be my home.

A Little Background

In France the majority of people live and die in or near where they were born. In consequence, most villages are made up of multi-generational families. This of course is not true of everyone, but it is of the majority. And let’s add in that family is everything here. That whole work-life balance thing is based around time with family. And of course, like anywhere, not all families get along. But still, there is a solidity and knowledge in having the familiar around you. Even if you don’t necessarily like it.

So friends in France are made growing up amongst family and then from working your way through school. In other words, from childhood. And by the time someone is in adulthood here they are not in ‘need’ of friends. This does not mean people in France aren’t open to friendships, but they aren’t actively looking. And yes, they are friendly.

Fitting In

When you drop into this (or any) country as an expat immigrant, you are at the least always a curiosity. For sure seen as different, and at the worst not wanted. If you can’t embrace and work with the fact that you are and always will be different, you will have a real problem finding your home in another’s country.

Your accent sets you apart the most. So if you are not fluent in the language you truly stand out. If you are fluent, and you wish to be seen as ‘local’ then you have to have no foreign accent. I lived 30 years in the UK, but because of my (slightly different) accent I was always considered as a foreigner. My mother has lived 60 years in the USA, and her Dutch accent means she has never, ever been seen as American. It can be a hard truth for many to deal with.

Choose Where You Live Carefully

Keeping in mind the above, it becomes very important to choose where you live when moving to another country. Especially when it comes to making friends. Again on those Facebook groups, another question that crops up is where people recommend they live. The responses are usually related to where the responder lives. I prefer to ask – how much of your own language do you wish or need to speak?

Like any country, there are enclaves of people who stick to their native language. The majority of English speakers head to the south of France. Hey, that weather is pretty enticing. There is also a goodly selection in Normandy or Brittany, particularly if from the UK due to its proximity. The Dutch tend to stick to the north of France, around the Morvan and Lille is popular.

The Only Expat in the Village

It’s important to delve into the where based on how much you wish to go ‘native’. Remembering that you will never truly ever be native. I house sat in a small village of 500 near Toulouse, where the population was split 50/50 between local French and (mostly UK) expats. In speaking to the expats, it was a mix of levels of French from fluent to non-existent. (With a few having no expectation of learning French). For those non-French speakers it had been very important to find a place that they could ease into the language. Particularly amongst older folks, as they often felt they could not learn as easily at their age.

I’m going to slightly debunk that theory, as I chose a village where – as far as I know – I am the only expat in the village. This was a conscious choice. I was struggling to learn French because the variety of places I lived had a lot of English speakers. And if you don’t speak the native language you definitely gravitate to those that speak yours. In choosing an almost exclusively French speaking village it really was a deep dive into the deep end. And it has improved my French ten-fold.

It goes without saying that if you want to make friends in France you will need speak at least some French. So, if you come to France speaking little to no French, where you choose to live is very important. Again, because I chose a village of no expats, if I wish to make friends in the village it will ultimately be with only French people.

Which leads me, finally, to making friends in France. Of course it is possible to make French friends here. Just don’t be in a hurry about it. I can speak from experience that if you move to a smaller village, and speak even a modicum of French, and you will certainly gain a social circle. There may not be a deep friendships. However, the proclivity towards family also lends itself to community here, particularly in smaller villages. And if you choose to join in the community, whether through social events or simply assisting your neighbours, you will find yourself being adopted into village life. Be patient about it. Put yourself out there, talk to people. And even more importantly, help people and in return ask for help and doors will open.

It is worth noting, that the larger the place – village, town city – the harder it can be to meet people and make friends. But on the flip side, there are often more social options such as courses or clubs you can join. And these are always a good way to meet people. Again, you have to put yourself out there. And, not be in a hurry. I’m talking it may take a few years. I’ve heard bandied about here that the average is about 4 years to make friends in France.

Finding Common Ground

Most friendships are based on commonality, with only a few deeper friendships being based on something more intrinsic. That is, a common ground unites you, such as where you live, your background, or even your language. This is why joining a club or taking a course can open doors, it gives you a common ground with the others taking part. And it is also why expats gravitate to each other. So, don’t be quick to dismiss having friends of other nationalities, including your own, in your newly adopted country.

I have found over the years it is really actually quite important to garner friendships, or at the least acquaintances, with English speaking people, eg my native tongue. For me, I love the English language. It’s why I like to write. The nuances are fun to play with. And I will never be so fluent, comfortable if you will, in French that I can play with the language the way I can with English. I don’t have the time in my life to gain that fluency. That would require reading a lot of books and watching a lot of films. So from a language perspective, it is very important to me, to have friends who are equally fluent in English. Some live here in France, some were met whilst living in other countries.

Enjoy Your Difference

What I would love to say to those that are bemoaning their inability to make friends in France, or any country one adopts, is rather than complain/worry/be sad about, instead embrace anyone of any nationality, age or language. Purely by accident, my first friend in my village is a third my age. It wasn’t planned, expected or even sought. It just happened. And I am loving every minute of it. The differing viewpoints, but also the insights being given to me into village life and how it works. Also, the cultural and language differences, and the common ground shared.

It can be difficult to accept that you will never, ever fully fit in. And there will always be a small few that will never like you because you are foreign. But overall, people will welcome you, help you and maybe at some point along the way you will discover have befriended you. Friendships come in many forms. Find and accept your friends from wherever they come from and simply relish what you have, rather than what you have not. And above all in France, be patient.