Life in France: Adopt, Adapt… or Just Ignore?

So, you’re thinking about moving to France. You’ve pictured yourself strolling through a market with a wicker basket, casually selecting cheese as though you were born knowing the difference between Comté and Cantal. (It’s actual quite important to a life in France to know your cheeses.) You imagine long lunches, chic scarves, and saying “oh là là” without irony. And then, reality arrives.

The person in the boulangerie (bakery) corrects your pronunciation. You can’t figure out the Post Offices’ hours. The plumber shrugs in a philosophical way that suggests your leaking pipe is simply part of life. You have the opportunity to choose from three main plotlines to aid in your French life story. Do you adopt, adapt, or ignore when it comes to your life in France? Let’s explore.

Option 1 – Adopt

First, what does it mean to adopt? It is to lean in, to embrace, to nod solemnly when someone discusses the correct way to make French vinaigrette. You start saying “bonjour” the moment you enter a shop. And begin to understand that failing to greet properly in France is not just impolite, it singles you out as rude, and maybe worse, certainly not ‘French’.

You learn to kiss both cheeks without hesitation, even know if it should be 2 bisous (the cheek kisses) or 3, and are comfortable with undertaking les bisous with both women and men. Yes, even men. You begin to embrace that lunch is a sacred ritual, not a sandwich eaten over a keyboard. And develop a particular passion for and can discuss at length the qualities of bread.

Adopting the culture means embracing its rhythms. Sunday closures? You plan around them. August shutdowns? You look on it as a wonderfully quiet time to recharge your own batteries. Adopting can mean developing friendships (hard to do in France). It may give you a stronger sense of belonging. And a quiet pride that you figured out when to use ‘tu’ instead of ‘vous’. (After a decade, I am still working on that one.)

But adopting also has a downside. It can be exhausting. You may feel like you’re performing before it becomes natural. And sometimes, you just want to complain loudly in your native language without conjugating anything.

Option 2 – Adapt

Adapting is the yoga pose of expat life. You keep parts of yourself intact while bending (gracefully, one hopes) around French systems and habits. And oh my goodness, you must learn to be flexible. And take a breath of patience. You learn to accept that paperwork in France is a labyrinth, a maze you may never fully work out. And must learn at least enough French to survive a bank appointment. A very real test.

Adapting means understanding that France has its own culturally derived logic. It may not be your logic. But it none the less still works, just in its own way. If you choose a life in France, don’t fight the system, adapt. And note, you don’t have to fully surrender either, you rebel you.

Adapting versus adopting may mean you may always feel slightly on the outside looking in. Not quite French. Not quite a tourist. And there can be nothing wrong with this, as no matter how hard you try, you will never be ‘French’.

Yes, you will never be French

Let’s address the baguette in the room. No matter how fluently you speak, how passionately you debate cheese, or how expertly you navigate a 3 course lunch, you will never be considered entirely, unquestionably French. Accept this and you will enjoy your life in France far, far more.

France, really like any country, has a strong sense of identity rooted in history, language, education, shared cultural references, and a deeply ingrained understanding of how things are done. It’s not just about citizenship or paperwork. It’s about growing up inside the system. You didn’t sit in a French classroom dissecting Molière at age 14. (Hopefully.) You didn’t grow up absorbing political debates at the dinner table. And thus you will not instinctively understand every unwritten social nuance. And that’s okay.

There will be moments when someone says “Ah, but you’re not really French.” Sometimes it’s affectionate. Sometimes its observational. Very occasionally, it stings. Just remember, it is not an insult to be different. You don’t actually need to be ‘truly French’ to belong. Belonging and identity are not the same thing.

You might always be the English neighbour, the American down the road, the Dutch lady with the ducks. Or even the Parisian who only comes on weekends. Yes, it can apply to within the culture too. There’s actually a sense of quiet freedom in this. You’re not expected to be perfectly French. You’re allowed your accent. Your cultural quirks. Your slightly different way of doing things. In fact, your difference may become part of the charm.

Trying too hard to be French can sometimes create more tension than simply being yourself. France generally respects authenticity. If you show respect for the culture, make an effort with the language, and participate in community life, you’ll often be accepted, even if you’re never fully absorbed.

Embrace Your Étrange-ness

We often don’t think of the fact that, in English, the word stranger derives from the word strange. Something not the norm, different, maybe even weird. In France, this word is very similar, étranger (pronounced ay-tronge-ay). And at some point in your life in France, you will realise something liberating. You are l’étranger, the stranger. Not in a dramatic, existential crisis way. More in a gentle, everyday, oh that’s just how you foreigners do it kind of way.

Being ‘étrange’ (strange, foreign, not-from-here) can feel uncomfortable at first. You misread social cues, laugh at the wrong moment, maybe pronounce a word confidently, and entirely incorrectly. The person you are speaking to switches to English before you’ve even finished your sentence. But instead of fighting the label, what if you leaned into it?

Here’s a little secret. Your difference is not a flaw. You offer different stories, humour, ways of looking at things. You ask questions locals stopped asking years ago and notice beauty they’ve stopped seeing. Just be being you, you gently challenge assumptions, sometimes accidentally. There’s power in that. And when you accept your slight otherness, something shifts. You relax, stop performing ‘Frenchness’ and paradoxically that’s often when acceptance deepens. I can certainly attest to that.

Option 3 – Ignore

And then there is the choice to ignore. Yes, it’s possible. You can live in France and mostly ignore ‘Frenchness’ by say shopping only in international shops, joining expat Facebook groups to try and understand life in France, maybe locating the nearest bar showing football from back home. It’s about treating France as a picturesque backdrop rather than a cultural immersion. And for some people, that works.

Not everyone moves abroad to reinvent themselves. Some people move for climate, property prices, love, or adventure, not for a full cultural conversion. The benefits of ignoring can be comfort, familiarity, reduced daily mental gymnastics. The downside however can be the tiny everyday joys that only reveal themselves if you participate. The market vendor who saves you the best tomatoes, the neighbour who brings homemade confiture/jams. (My neighbour makes the best confiture.) Ignoring can give you peace, but it can also isolate you.

So… Which Is Better?

Life in France is not an exam you must pass. It’s more like a long, meandering dinner party. You can sit quietly. You can join the debate. And maybe bring dessert from your own culture and see what happens. (That is so not French.)

Most long-term residents end up doing a bit of all three. They adopt the greeting rituals and food culture. Adapt to bureaucracy and infrastructure. And ignore the occasional cultural puzzle that makes no sense whatsoever. The trick is knowing when to switch modes. Struggling with paperwork? Adapt. Invited to a village fête? Adopt. Missing home? Ignore everything and eat comfort food.

Moving to France doesn’t automatically transform you into a wine-swirling philosopher quoting Jean-Paul Sartre at dinner (although that would be impressive). It simply gives you a new setting. A setting to live your version of life in France. And that version can be adopted, adapted, ignored, or mixed together like the perfect vinaigrette. Just don’t forget to say ‘bonjour.’