There honestly is such a thing as being too nice. Yup. And sometimes you can learn the hard way that it isn’t always for the best to say yes. You see, fairly recently, I learned how to say no. Actually how important it is to sometimes say no. And it took moving to France to really learn this lesson.
I’ve lived in France now for just over a decade. And very frustrated that I am not fluent yet in French! But learning all the time about my adopted country (if not fully its language). You can find my various learnings, in fact, in my French Findings here on this blog. Some of these learnings are observations, and some I have adopted. And one of those is learning from the French how to say No. Or, Non in French. They are really good at it.
The French ‘Non’
The French are known for saying No, especially here in France. It sometimes feels it is the go to response rather than a thought out response. And you get to the stage you assume the response will be No and you then have to state or argue your case to change their mind. I personally, have not found this to be the case all the time, but there certainly are times when it happens.
I found this quote from a French comedian, Olivier Giraud, “Answering ‘non’ gives you the option to say ‘oui’ (yes) later. When you say ‘oui’, you can no longer say ‘non’! We must not forget that the French are a people of protest, and a protest always starts with a ‘non’.”
Why No
Different cultures are better at saying yes, whilst others no. And some cultures, due to historic context in general, lean towards one or the other. Language itself plays a big part too. In countries like the US and Australia, people generally say what they mean. But in France (and some other countries) nuance and layers within conversation are the priority. Possibly due to the quantity of words available. In example, French has fewer words compared to English (70K versus 500K). English more often has a single word to convey something whilst French requires a description of multiple words to convey the same thing. This allows for a higher level of creativity but also a higher level of ambiguity, resulting in No not actually always meaning no.
I have found and learned this myself, particularly when dealing with French administration. The initial reaction to a request may be, It is not possible. So this, it turns out, invites me to offer the possible. If I can find the solution, the No turns into a Yes. This to-ing and fro-ing is both tiring and invigorating. And, at least for me, when ever I have to deal with something administratively I have to mentally prepare myself for the discussion.
The Power of No
It is having to learn this, and its mental preparation, that has aided me in learning more about the power of No. The word ‘no’ creates a boundary. Sometimes boundaries are soft, sometimes they have to be hard. In other words, sometimes it opens a discussion to a solution, and sometimes it is non-negotiable.
The French confidence in themselves (a blog topic for another day) and their ability to discuss in nuance, showcased to me how important it can be to understand boundaries, and whether they are negotiable. And in so understanding, learning that it can in fact be healthier to say no. By creating clear boundaries, we clarify the position to others, as well as even ourselves. This can be seen on many levels, from bringing up children, to work related topics, to romantic relationships.
In Consequence
When children learn boundaries, they are better behaved. A child that does not understand what No means, will continue to push boundaries. In other words, let’s talk tantrums. There’s a reason why kids in France are better behaved than many other countries. They are taught when ‘no’ means No.
If we try to please people all the time, we give everything to others and retain nothing for ourselves. Being able to say No empowers oneself to do for yourself and not just others. I’m not advocating for switching from nice to mean, rather garnering the confidence to determine what is best for you. This can be a little thing, or seriously important. But understanding that No empowers its owner, aids in boosting confidence in yourself. And saying No is like flexing a muscle. You need to work at it, strengthen in, and learn to use it wisely.
If you haven’t figured out for yourself that it is important to say No, there are lots of articles and psychology explaining why. I think every person has to find their own trigger on how to say no if they are not good at it, as well as many of us need to understand better the right times to say no, and whether it is a hard no, or soft. And there are better experts than I (hence the links).
I simply have learned, finally, how to say No.
More Musings
If you enjoy my musings on France and its culture, as mentioned above, you will find more in my French Findings. If you like delving more into the mind and simply life, check out my Finding a Simple Living writings.
If you enjoy my writings and would like to nourish, check out and maybe join in Nourishing Pumpjack & Piddlewick. Or take a browse of My Shop. Here’s a taste of some French finds below:
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